My Sweet Mila Rose

Dear sweet baby girl,

I didn't know I needed you, but I did. I thought I was done, I thought my family was complete. God knew differently. He gave you to me for a reason. I needed you, so that I could see me, see the good in myself again. I was doubting who I was, the core of my being. I had my ability to mother put into question. I was thrown into a myriad of scrutiny and criticism. My job as my children's mother was put under attack, and I needed you. I needed you to evoke my confidence as a good...no, not good, but GREAT mother again. You helped me dig into my inner self and pull out all the good I have in there. I love to love, and through you, I was able to discover my passion again. That passion is being a mother. From the moment I saw those two lines, I loved you. You were coming at a time not 'ideal' to me, or so I thought at the time. I was at a low point in my life, going through some of my darkest days. I was raw, vulnerable and hurting. I was dealing with a lot of self hate and disdain. Something I am not proud of. Then I started feeling you move inside me, all that good inside me started to flow out again, all that motherly love that I had was multiplying again. Then I realized, no matter what, I'm a good mother and no one can take that away from me. My confidence grew again, as I chose the best way to go through my pregnancy and birth with you. I made all my decisions based on your well being. Then I gave birth to you, at home. It was the most beautiful moment of my life. So much hurt, pain and self doubt diminished and melted away. My heart overflowed with love for you. I put you at my breast and you nursed. I was nourishing you  physically,emotionally and mentally. I was selfless again, thinking not only about your siblings, but also you. I couldn't have been happier or more at peace, my calling was back. I was a mother first, everything else came after that. Sometimes my love for you and your siblings is so great, it brings me to tears. I'm in awe of you, and I'm humbled to be your mother. So, see baby girl, God never makes mistakes. He knew I needed you, and He sent you to me at just the right time. I love you, forever and always...